In Which I Blog About Baking (Or: “In Which Hell Has Frozen Over”)

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So, I baked these cookies today. For a lot of people baking cookies probably wouldn’t be a blog-worthy event, but if you know me, you know I hate kitchen stuff. Like, hate. The fact that I’m a yoga teacher who lives in Portland might lead a person to believe that I make keifer with my leftover coconut water,  grow my own kale (can you do that? See, I don’t even know), and  cook up every meal from scratch with ingredients hand-picked from my local farmers market. Nope. I don’t cook, and I like it that way. I’m perfectly content with takeout and/or salad, and/or soup, and/or prarie oysters for dinner every night. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still try to eat all healthy, and organic, and local and shit. I just spend an ungodly amount of money on healthy, organic, local crap that OTHER people make. Me + cooking = no. But baking…eh, baking is slightly less distasteful. When you bake, your house smells nice, and you get to lick the bowl–but still, it usually takes a bunch of time, and to be honest, it’s kind of a crap-shoot, right? I mean, unless you measure stuff, but who has time to measure stuff? Not this lady.

If baking is so completely “meh,” then why did I do it? Here’s the thing. Like most Portlandians, I don’t eat gluten (you were worried for a second right? Like, “Holy shit! A West Coast yoga teacher that doesn’t grow her own kale???!!! Next you’ll tell me she eats gluten!” Chill, people, I do not eat gluten). So here’s the thing: I like cookies, and gluten-free cookies are seriously, like $10 a box, and also they have soy in them, which we all know is like, twice as evil as gluten right? What to do? Being the resourceful little thing that I am, I figured out (with a little inspiration from Skinny Bitch and a Hungry Girl blog I read, like six years ago) how to make (MAKE!!!!) cookies that are gluten-free, serendipitously vegan (so a total go for all yoga-related potlucks!), tasty, and ridiculously difficult to screw up. They’re usually pretty low in sugar/calories too, but the particular batch that I made today was not (because I accidentally bought and used pumpkin pie filling instead of plain old pureed pumpkin), so, I guess, suck it, Skinny Bitch.

Here’s what you need to bake these super-tasty, gluten-less morsels:

  • Gluten free cookie mix (I used Bob’s Redmill because it was cheapest–though full disclosure, the chocolate chips are made with soy lecithin, which despite my previous anti-soy tirade, I’m basically cool with, but if you’re not, there are pricier (and chocolate chip-less) mixes you can use, and soy lecithin-free chocolate chips you can buy to mix in.)
  • 1 8-oz can of pureed pumpkin and/or pumpkin pie filling (They’ll be way-sweeter, and your house will smell way-better if you use the pie filling, but they have fewer calories if you use the puree. So do whatever the hell you you want I guess.)
  • Like, half a cup of some sort of milk or something (I usually just keep adding a little almond milk until I get the consistency I want.)

THAT’S ALL!!!!!! Really! Three things!

Here’s how you turn the things into food:

  • Take all of the shit you’ve been storing in your oven out of your oven because now you have to use your oven for food.
  • Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
  • Put some tinfoil on a cookie sheet (you’ll probably need two cookie sheets actually), and spray the tinfoil with oil to prevent sticking (or just use  non-stick cookie sheets).
  • Mix all three ingredients together in the biggest bowl you own.
  • Roll your newly created cookie dough into little balls (note that it will be stickier than traditional cookie dough) and place them on the cookie sheet(s).
  • Do that cool little criss-cross smooshy thing with a fork to flatten out the cookies (because the dough is sticky you’ll probably have to spray the fork with oil).
  • Pop the cookies in the oven and cook them for the recommended time (I think like 15 minutes), check on them, realize they need to cook longer, set your timer for an additional 5 minutes, check on them again, and repeat until they’re done. (I usually need to cook them for about 25-30 minutes–twice as long as normal cookies.)
  • Take the cookies out of the oven (because they are void of bird ovum, they will be lighter than regular cookies), and let them cool until you eventually say “fuck it,” and eat one, and even though you sort of burn your mouth a little, it’s totally worth it, because these cookies are freaking amazing.
  • Put the rest of the cookies on plate and Instagram the shit out of them, thus proving to your family, friends, and acquaintances that  you are a fully-functional adult that knows how to make at least one thing that is food.
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